This is shaping up to be a really crappy year.

At the end of every year, I get a little spark of hope that the next year will be better. I never learn.

Work is generally the same. I've taken on more work again, without extra pay or respect from the "team." I have more work and responsibility than ever, along with shorter deadlines that I struggle to make. My new bosses are better than the one they replaced, but I'm still thinking of hunting for something new. I'm still hoping my last good boss who quit will call me with an opening in her company. If she makes me an offer, I'll probably take it. I'm tired of not being paid what my predecessor was paid. I'm tired of the snottiness from the people in my group. I'm tired of never having free time during the work week. I'm tired of bringing work home with me. I'm tired.

Duncan has decided that he doesn't want to sleep in the house with me anymore. Instead, he sleeps in the garage by himself in the cold. I'm taking it personally. I probably shouldn't. He probably just likes the cold. He comes in later in the night and sleeps in his dog bed in my room. But it still feels like a personal slight, and it reminds me of my ex-husband's asshole behavior.

Bagheera is almost 19. I doubt she'll make it through the year.

Chloe is a nice little cat, but she likes Duncan more than she likes me.

That crushing sensation is back. Most of the time I can just ignore it and plow through my day. Sometimes I can't. I'm guessing I'm going to have to give in and go back on the antidepressants.

My left knee has been acting up. I'm in physical therapy for it, but I don't know if I'll get to hike this year. Hiking is pretty much all I have that makes me feel like anything is worth anything. I wait all year to get out to do the hikes I want to do. If I can't go hiking this year, I can't imagine how bad things will get for me by this time next year. I'll probably just do what I've always done: put my head down, focus, and go. It wouldn't be the first time.

I do have a few things to look forward to. I'm taking a week off in May. I want to get some work done in my yard. The fence needs some maintenance. I want to strip the popcorn off of my bedroom ceiling and redo the molding. I need to clean up the grout in the kitchen. These are all things I just don't have time to do on a standard weekend, and I definitely can't do it during the week. It'll be a decent, productive way to kill a week of my vacation time. Then I have a cabin rented in the mountains for Memorial Day weekend, but with the looming government shutdown, that may be cancelled. I've got a week off in July and another in August for hiking, but if the knee is still in fail mode, that's not going to happen. I've got another weekend booked in July at another cabin near a hike I've wanted to do for years. I'm hoping all of these things go reasonably well, because other than those things, I really don't have anything to look forward to for the rest of the year.

Getting out of bed every day knowing that work is going to suck the life out of me doesn't help me. Fearing that my vacation time may not pan out helps me even less.

So I'll keep working on my knee. I'll gather what I need to do the yard work. I'll get together everything I need for my trip to the cabin. I'll get a new pair of hiking boots. I'll organize my hiking gear before my hiking season starts. If all goes well, great, I'm ready for it. If it all falls through, I'll find a way to get by.

Head down, focus, and go.