I'm not who I am

Many years ago I had a dream that came true.

 

In it, I saw the woman that would replace me in the relationship I was in at the time. She was, at the time, living in Rhode Island and I had never met her. The first time I saw her in the office two months after the dream, I knew who she was. I sent an email to a friend that I had told about the dream and said that the woman in the dream was here, and in 6 months I would be dumped. And it happened.

 

The dream started out with me, legless, in a tiny rowboat. I was drifting through heavy fog along a shoreline with a concrete seawall, about four feet high. I drifted to the shore and stepped out, legs intact. I walked up a steep slope, switchbacking through deep forest until I reached the top. There was a restaurant there, all natural wood and brass lamps and mirrors. I walked in and saw the man with whom I was "involved" and sat with him. He didn't want to be seen with me, and he got up and sat with one of his friends from work and this woman that I didn't recognize. I looked to my left, where there was a mirror. My hair was longer, and I was wearing a dark blue turtleneck. I said to my doppelganger, "I'm not who I am." Then I woke up.

 

The part about being legless and drifting through fog certainly speaks volumes about my state of mind at the time (and even now, for that matter). Knowing that the man in question didn't want to be seen with me and my outward willingness to accept that also speaks volumes. The comment I made to myself in the mirror is interesting. I still feel that way. I'm meandering through my life with no real purpose, pretending to be someone that I'm not and knowing full well that I'm doing it.

 

Right now, I'm pretending to be an upwardly mobile, ambitious, motivated staff accountant when I actually want nothing more than to just hike and take pictures. I don't want to work for a living, I don't want to spend all of my daylight hours commuting to my office or sitting in my office, regardless of how pleasant the office. I want to sit around and watch movies and eat junk food and harass my cat. On the other hand, I am a practical person by nature, and I know that reality dictates that I work for a living and I have to work at something that will pay the bills. All I know how to do that will cover the mortgage is accounting work. And I am good at it. Unfortunately, this leads my superiors to think that I want to do more than I do, and they want me to get involved more so that I can further my career. How do you tell your boss that you don't want to further your career, that you want to be just a cog in the machine and stay at one level because you don't want more work or more responsibilities or, gods forbid, more hours in the office? Well, you don't. That is career suicide, and though I don't necessarily want a career, I need one, so I need to protect it. So I go along with it and hope that I don't end up being in the office more, with more work, more responsibilities, heading for a middle-management position.

 

I am also, as of late, pretending to be a much nicer, emotionally balanced person than I really am in an effort to get along with my more irritating co-workers and not get wound up to the point where I have a stroke from frustration and stress. I don't like pretending to be someone I'm not, but it seems to help me get through my life.

 

Such a dichotomy.